Your hands feel so small inside my hands,
As I pull you fast past me, the gravity holding me true,
As we spin together, the sun in our eyes, shadows chasing light,
Underneath the crown of trees high above us.
Autumn has found us, the leaves rimmed in red,
And the rivers run past, imaginary, as we run toward the horizon,
And you turn to me, “Stop,” you motioned me to a moment still,
Upon the field of light-rimmed fluffy flowers about to die all around us.
My beloved, he stands with us, yet so far in his thoughts, as he drink deeply
Of us, into his soul, “Forever,” he acknowledged of his love for us,
Of our future are yet to be drawn from the glimmer of dancing motes cast
Away upon the gentlest breath of wind kissing us.
I look down at your face, upon your eyes so blue,
While I sing to you, soundlessly and full of marvel that could only last
While we walk this earth, our hands within our hands together into
An eternity made flesh, as you grow older, and I bend under the weight of time.
I know it is just a dream, but I also know this to be real,
For I have you holding fast onto me, a child of my womb and love,
For all that I believe in, you are my daughter, the one I wish ferociously for,
Now that I have you inside the cradle of my hands, I hold tight onto you.
Winter is coming, and soon we will celebrate your day of birth,
Through which I found madness about to calm down, liberated
Through love that stands strong, full of power and wonder,
In spite of all that have come to pass, you are my north star, my compass, holding me true to my destiny.
You are my faith. You are my love. You are my everything,
my daughter Lucrezia,
My golden child, made gold by the sun
that burns deep within you, brightening
Everything all around you into supernova
that burns into the dark, burning away
All the badness away, burning away all the shadows,
until you go incandescent,
Shining like a star in the sea of darkness,
now aglow with possibilities,
Just like that moment you were born,
baptizing me with the blood of your birth,
You marked me yours, made me all reborn
as your mother for time beyond endless.
-Charlene Kuyrkendall, 14 October 2013
Fourteen days ‘til the hallowe’en season comes into being,
I measure out your bones, a needle betwit my teeth with black thread hanging down,
For the first time, I saw the future in the shadow you cast.
I’ve lain awake countless nights, feeling your heart beats,
Thinking about the stories I’ve read of dead babies, and I marvel
at my fortune.
Together, we drink chocolate milk through strawberry straws
And make faces that would do Jack Sparrow proud, with our treasure buried deep inside our hearts.
With your lips split, red stained everywhere between your room and mine,
I drove through the night to stark cold white halls, doctors and nurses disappearing through doorways, and you grinned at me, red upon your teeth, and they sew your lip back together, and what remains now is the thin white line.
Someday, a boy will kiss your lips, and he will wonder at the scar,
And I imagine what words you will deign to tell him, true or not.
Soon, it’s hallowe’en, and catriona with her skull face flowering with marigolds will come among us, carrying sugar skulls,
And I will see your teeth marks upon the sweet bone
as you share the skull with your sister, o sweet sister
Ah, my daughter, can it be that I only have you for six years, and yet it feels like a lifetime.
My sweet May baby, my wild, sweet wild.
I kiss your forehead, breathing in your essence, and I avow as I pull away the measuring tape away from your body,
That we shall dance across the wind, across the stars, my sweet bones of my bones,
And cast your dreams wide so that they will come back true.
I fell to earth, a bullet …
The other day, I fell asleep, with Azriel at my breast, and I fell into a nightmarish world straight out of an offspring between Matrix, Bladerunner, and Total Recall with Aeon Flux-injected screams.
Inside my tiny room, metal walls all around, I gave birth to my daughter Azriel, and they came, the men in gray suits, seemingly plastic and huge like the horrors from the Furnace series by Alexander Gordon Smith, and they plucked Azriel out of my arms, still covered in blood and muck from being inside my womb, and took her out of the room. Then one of them rolled in a cart, a filthy, rusty cart, with a naked, brown-skinned, long-limbed baby that almost looked human. I instinctively drew away, and tried to sprint through the door where they took my baby through, but was held back by their iron hands. I screamed. Darkness descended. Then color rushed back in, and there were no hands holding me back. The changeling baby was dead inside my arms. I threw it down, choked back my vomit, and ran out of the room. I see before my eyes, hovering buildings upon buildings, buildings upon many more tall, spindly metal buildings with glass eyes, held together by cable wires, and I looked one way down the walkway, and it goes endless into the horizon. i turned my head to the other side, and I see the same vista. I looked upward, and see that the buildings have ascended far into the heavens. I looked downward, and the buildings descended down into the dark. The earth was not visible, but I knew it was there. I backed long enough to make a run for it, then I ran fast enough to leap upward, and up I went, passing buildings after buildings until I came to where I needed to be. The walls were clean. Brilliantly clean and crystal clear. I could see inside the walls. There were no one around. I quickly went inside, and I came to the opening of a maze of clear hallways, around and around. I ran through it, following the heartsong that could only be my child. I came to the other end of the maze and in front of me was a door. I looked through the window and saw newborn babies in their little bed-carts. I pushed through the doorway, and I noticed that around their tiny wrists were the metal bracelets with laser-cut engraving on them. I could not read them. I found Azriel, and quickly I picked her into my arms. Alarms went off, and the men in the gray suits poured into the room. I turned and ran. Before I turned, I noticed beyond the men in gray suits were people, polished and clean, on their wrists similar metal bracelets with engraving on them. I knew them to be thieves of my baby and countless other babies, that they were going to take Azriel and raise her to be one of them. I ran, and together with Azriel in my arms, her face snuggled against my breast, we leaped off the walkway, and dove straight to the earth, like a bullet screaming down into the darkness.
Then I woke up, in cold sweat, and I looked down at Azriel, watched her little full mouth making suckling motions, and I lay back down and let her nurse.